


To Grieve (To Wonder)

by Foxalora (DefiFox)



Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Denial, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Grief, Hurt No Comfort, Sadge, grieving tubbo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-01
Updated: 2021-03-01
Packaged: 2021-03-14 07:49:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,711
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29788746
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DefiFox/pseuds/Foxalora
Summary: Tubbo just can't believe it. After everything that's happened, Tommy can't just be dead. It can't be.
Relationships: Ranboo & Toby Smtih | Tubbo, platonic relationship - Relationship
Comments: 2
Kudos: 37





	To Grieve (To Wonder)

**Author's Note:**

> Had to finish this as soon as I finished the streams today. I originally intended this to be heavy on the comfort side, but it honestly ended up being a load of angst. Cry with me, please :,(

Tubbo can’t help it. When Sam looks him in the eyes, decked out in full netherite, standing in front of the largest, most dangerous and secure building on the server, and tells him Tommy is dead, permanently dead, he bursts out in laughter.

The patch of land they’re on is dark and riddled with mobs that are just starting to burn now the morning is setting in, and Tubbo wonders if Tommy has a little window, wherever he is, to watch the sunrise. It promises to be a beautiful morning. Tommy loves those. Whenever they had a free morning together they’d wake up as early as possible, to watch the sky go from black to orange to vibrant blue, always with the music he loves to listen to playing in the background. Tubbo wonders if Tommy can hear him laugh, deep inside Pandora’s vault. Tubbo wonders if Tommy knows that even if he manages to fool Sam’s excellent instincts, he can never fool his best friend.

Sheathing his sword, Sam takes a step closer, his eyes filled with guilt. “Tubbo- it’s not a joke. I- I wasn’t there in time when I heard it begin. Dream killed him before I could get there, I- couldn’t save Tommy. ”

Tubbo cocks his head. “Well that just sounds stupid. Dream wouldn’t kill Tommy. He’s at the center of everything! Dream said it himself, Tommy is too important to him.” To his side, Ranboo nods in agreement, frustration flashing before his eyes for a short moment. Tubbo knows the guilt that still eats at him from that day, but he doesn’t have time to go through all that now, his mind still fixed on the prison’s ward. He wonders how Tommy fooled him.

“He actually did it though, he just- he beat him to death,” Sam insists. His eyes flicker from him to the prison, and the conviction in his voice is almost enough to convince Tubbo.

Instead of breaking down or doing whatever, Tubbo takes another look at the massive building in front of him, noting how Ranboo follows his gaze, and the doubt flickering behind his heterochromic eyes. What’s in there terrifies Ranboo, and frankly, he should be terrified too. But he’s stopped caring too much about Dream a long time ago, ever since he made peace with his own demise in that prison. “That’s a way to go, christ,” he mutters, wondering where Tommy’s disks are now he’s locked in there. He didn’t take them with him, did he?

“I- I mean, yeah,” Sam stutters, looking remarkably taken aback. Tubbo gives him a sympathetic glance, but that doesn’t seem to improve the situation. He wonders what Tommy would do. Surely he’d be making some kind of joke to lighten the mood, but he can’t seem to find something for the life of him.

“He’s not, actually dead though, right?” Ranboo asks nervously, and Tubbo leans against him slightly. Even though he knows Tommy’s alright – he has to be – he still finds himself tense up in anticipation of the answer.

Sam looks at the two of them. He almost seems physically pained when he opens his mouth to reiterate. “I mean, Dream-”

“Nonono,” Ranboo interrupts, but immediately falls silent apologetically when he realizes what he’s done.

“Dream literally beat him to death,” Sam finishes, looking at them tiredly. He seems like he wants to be anywhere but here, and honestly, Tubbo can agree right about now. This whole situation upsetting his stomach, and Ranboo doesn’t look like he’s particularly enjoying himself either.

“I don’t think he’s actually dead,” Ranboo tries, sounding more unsure of himself than Tubbo would like. He wonders if he believes that Tommy died, too. Judging by the way his ears are pressed against his skull, Ranboo might be having doubts.

“I’ll be honest, I don’t really believe it,” Tubbo jumps in, putting his hand on Ranboo’s arm comfortingly, the enderman hybrid giving him a grateful look.

Sam throws his arms in the air. When he sees Tubbo’s involuntary flinch he immediately calms himself, but his face is still dark. “What do you mean, don’t you see it? I’m telling you that he actually killed him.”

Tubbo laughs shortly, uncertainly. He wonders when Tommy will type something in the chat to clear up the situation, ease this tension. “Surely not. This is all some joke, right Sam?”

“I just- I wanted you to be able to know- I-” Sam looks for words until he has to take a breath and he straightens a little, his frustration turning to mournful resignation. “Never mind. Goodbye, Tubbo, Ranboo.”

He leaves, and as Tubbo watches Sam’s receding figure, he wonders if he’ll take Tommy out with him, when he appears again. He wonders if Tommy is still in the giant prison, surrounded by cold, hard obsidian, bunking with his abuser. He wonders if Tommy is alright.

After a short while Ranboo suggests they go back to the hotel. The sun is fully up now, it’s the perfect time to continue constructing the building. They walk the road mostly in silence, until the ender hybrid breaks the silence, his tail flicking nervously. “He’ll be back pretty soon, I think.”

Tubbo nods, picking a stray weed that’s wormed its way between the planks of the path. “Yeah, yeah. There’s no way he’s actually dead.” He pauses, twirling the plant around his fingers. A leave falls off almost instantly, dropping onto the path in complete silence. If Tubbo had not been watching it, he wouldn’t even have noticed its absence. “There’s no way. I- I refuse to accept that,” he decides continuing to walk.

“It would’ve been cooler, right? Tommy wouldn’t just get beat to death in a prison,” Ranboo agrees.

“Yeah,” Tubbo says, a weak smile finding its way onto his face as he wonders what his friend would say of that statement. “Tommy’s not one to go out without a bang.”

They don’t end up working on the hotel that day. Tubbo finds that his mind is too preoccupied with what-ifs and memories, and Ranboo isn’t about to let him suffer through everything alone. Instead they spend the day in front the hotel, talking, making weak attempts at jokes. Though Tommy hasn’t spent much time with them at all in the past weeks, Tubbo can feel his absence now more than ever.

He wonders when he’ll see Tommy again.

By the end of the afternoon he finds himself pacing up and down the path in front of the hotel, doing anything to distract himself from that _one_ scenario that seems so insistent to settle in his mind. 

Ranboo is sat on the grass, watching him with what Tubbo recognizes as concern.

He can’t bring himself to bring that up with him, instead continuing to pace in silence until he can’t take it anymore. Stopping in his tracks, he looks at Ranboo. “He wouldn’t die like this, would he? He’s not dead, right?”

Ranboo opens his mouth to say something, but Tubbo keeps talking, continuing to walk in a desperate attempt to keep the wave of grief that’s gradually nearing him at bay. “No, he can’t be dead. Tommy wouldn’t do that. he wouldn’t die like this, not now. He wouldn’t. Tommy is alright.” He looks at Ranboo, desperate to find confirmation. “He’s not dead,” he pushes out, a challenge to the universe.

Ranboo sucks in a shaky breath. “Tubbo, wha- what if he is?”

Tubbo doesn’t try to fight the laughter bubbling up in his chest when he processes those words. After everything they’ve been through, Tommy would just die? That’s- that’s a fucking joke.

Laughing at the world, he finds himself growing more and more hysteric. Tommy- Tommy isn’t the one supposed to die first – that’s him, it’s always been him. Ranboo rushes to his side, just in time to support him as Tubbo’s legs fail him. His manic laughter turns into something more raw until he’s screaming at the sky, the earth, and everything in between.

He screams for Tommy, at first, until he runs out of breath and starts feeling light-headed. At that point his anger and disbelief take on a more solid form, of tears brimming in his eyes and clogging up his nose.

Clawing at Ranboo’s suit he feels sobs wreck his body, trying desperately to fill the gaping hole in his heart with something, _anything_ – as long as it can just go away. It can’t be like this – it isn’t _supposed_ to be like this. From the moment in the museum, Tubbo has made peace with the possible ending of his life. He’s just a pawn, he’s prepared to sacrifice himself for the greater good. Tommy, however – Tommy is the queen, at the very center of everything in this server. Tommy is his best friend, his brother, his – his reason.

Tommy shouldn’t have died. It should’ve been him.

Tubbo lets his body drain itself of all its energy as he sobs with rage and grief and injustice, until he eventually falls silent, too tired to move another limb or make a sound. A dull, throbbing headache has come to take the place of his voice, the sensation a painful reminder of his being alive.

Ranboo lifts him up surprising ease. Tubbo allows himself to go limp against his chest, too tired to respond as Ranboo whispers things at him he can barely understand.

As they make their way to Snowchester, his mind continues at a slower pace. He’s so lost in his thoughts he only notices he’s home when Ranboo opens the door, setting him down on the couch to go make hot chocolate and get him some food.

When Ranboo is done he sits down, too, handing Tubbo a blanket and offering him a mug.

Tubbo takes both items and leans against Ranboo’s side, staring out of the window with a dull look. His mind goes on tangents about Tommy’s importance to everything, leaving him only with silence as an answer when he questions his own importance.

It’s nothing new to Tubbo. He’s known he is replaceable for a while now, he’s made his peace with that. As he watches the sun set behind the mountains, a single thought pounding his head.

He wonders why it wasn’t him. 


End file.
